


Fury does not make mistakes (or so he tells himself)

by MilwaukeeMeg



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Team, team behaving like children
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-17
Updated: 2014-02-17
Packaged: 2018-01-12 20:36:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1199370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MilwaukeeMeg/pseuds/MilwaukeeMeg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Avengers Initiative was a great idea and a stroke of genius. If only Director Fury could remember why.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The one where Avengers have codenames and Fury has many regrets (and a Big Mac)

**Author's Note:**

> It's an evergrowing collection of my kinkmeme fills which are set in one universe. There will be a LOT of profanities, especially in the first one. 
> 
> PROMPT: Since, everyone and their dog knows that "Black Widow" is Natasha and "Iron Man" is Tony and so on and so forth after the Battle of Manhattan, Fury realizes that the Avengers will need new codenames for when they go on top secret missions and their identities must be obscured. The Avengers will have two codenames: one is their public, 'superhero' identity and the other is the one they actually use when writing reports or over the comm during top secret missions for SHIELD. Because Fury mistakenly believes that the Avengers consist of a group of stable, mature adults he allows them to choose their own codenames.
> 
> This was a mistake. The Avengers decide on the weirdest/stupidest/inappropriate codenames for themselves, which Fury is forced to read over and over again every time they had in a report.
> 
>    
> (Whole prompt : http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/18271.html?thread=41808735#t41808735)

Director Fury was not a man who made mistakes. Sometimes, of course, his plans did not work exactly the way he planned, but, all in all, all his decisions had optimal final outcomes. Even if he had to shove it down the Council’s throat. Or maybe change the preferable outcome and the meaning of ‘optimal’ during the mission. 

However, right now Director Fury was as close to admitting that he had made a mistake as never before in his entire life (and that is counting that one memorable math test is primary school).

“Agent Hill, remember when I told you we needed a response team and that the Avengers were a good idea?” he asked, trying not to bang his head against nearest surface. Repeatedly. “Remind me again what were my ingenious reasons for that.” 

“Sir?” inquired, a little surprised, Hill, who, bless her soul, did never read Avenger’s reports. 

“No, no, listen to this, Hill: 

‘It was a stormy night over the misty, mountains of New York buildings. The heroes, is differing states of undress, overdress and in some cases in dresses, were resting after a weary day, not suspecting that they shall play a big part in upcoming events…’  
You following, Hill?” 

“Well, I must say that has a bit of a talent…” 

“No, no, no. This” he slammed his tablet down on the desk “This is shit. This is someone fucking with me. Oh, surprise, it’s Stark. That fucker has it coming…” 

“But…” 

“BUT that is not the most fucked up shit here. Want to hear it, Hill? Then sit your ass the hell down and listen to fragments of Barton’s report on the mission.

‘Princes Pinky-Swirrly-Quirrly and Yo Momma went to deal with the guards inside. Yo Momma’s pants were flying left and right, and Princess Pinky-Swirrly-Quirrly and her boobs were wreaking havoc. There were too many guards, so they had to call reinforcements. And so, Richard and his flying shlong, Princess Pinky-Swirrly-Quirrly and Yo Momma managed to clear the building, allowing Biggus Dickus to smoothly slip inside right to the base. Seeing as the treat had magnetic powers, Biggus Dickus could not comfortably wear protection. MC Hammer flying on his Dancin’ Machine was patrolling the perimeter. During all that Mr Blue Sky did not turn into Don’t Bring Me Down, as there was no need for heavy a hitter.’

WELL?!” 

Hill looked thoughtful for a moment, but probably it had more to do with the fact, that Fury was, well, furious, and less with the fact that this report made no sense. 

“So… What does it mean, sir?”

“That means we call motherfucking Rogers to ask him politely what the fuck is his team thinking” Fury took a deep, calming breath. 

“And bring me a Big Mac. I picked a wrong week to quit fast food.”

 -------------------------------------------------

“Well?” 

“I… honestly don’t know what to say, sir. But I agree, sir, that Tony could write something better, because phrase ‘mountains of New York buildings’ is, frankly, horrible. ” 

“Rogers, as amusing as Stark’s report was, it pains me to say it was one of the best. Black Widow wrote a fucking movie script with fucking cues and you made a comics. A comics. And WHAT THE HELL IS IT WITH THE MOTHERFUCKING CODENAMES IN ALL YOURS MOTHERFUCKING REPORTS?” asked Fury calmly… or as calmly, as he could. Steve blinked innocently, tilting his head a little on the left, making him look like overgrown Labrador. 

“With all due respect, sir, you said to choose our own nicknames. There was a bit of a problem, because obviously Dr Banner had two nicknames, one for him and one for the Hulk, so I agreed that it will be fair if we all named our weapons, sir. ” 

“Rogers. Please, don’t make me angry and answer. my. fucking. question. why. the. hell. MY. SUPERHERO. TEAM. CHOSE. THE MOST FUCKING STUPID CODENAMES EVER!??!?!?!” 

“Well, sir, it was good for the morale. But I assure you” said Steve, making his best ‘Captain America stands for virtue’ face “I ASSURE you, that I did not like it. As you can see, I have chosen absolutely normal name, Richard, as my codename. “

“And ‘shlong’?” asked Fury, because if he was having a conversation he had no time to shoot himself in the head. Or shoot Rogers. Whatever worked best. 

“Why, sir, it’s a Yiddish word, not English, so it won’t ever sound stupid in phrases like: ‘I whipped out my shlong’ or ‘Tony’, I mean ‘Biggus Dickus was playing with my shlong in the lab while Mr Blue Sky was watching the proceeding intently and taking notes’. You see, sir? If it was any English word, like, I don’t know, ‘cabbage’, it would sound very, very silly.” said Steve calmly and seriously. 

Fury almost cried. 

He fumbled around his pockets; he picked a REALLY wrong week to quit smoking.


	2. The one where Doom and Tony love ethics and hate PE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for a promt:   
> It's probably because I haven't slept in two days, but what I really, really want is to see Tony and Doctor Doom get into a screaming match mid battle over the rights of AIs, with Tony favouring self determination and individuality, and Doom favouring careful control and mass production.  
> (http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/18271.html?thread=42176351#t42176351)

Fighting Doom and his Doombots could be considered challenging and hard, and have been considered as such, for the first 10 times. After that it became a part of Avegers’ schedule that ranked just below ‘Weekly report to Fury’ and ‘Thor’s turn to cook’ on the list of carefully planned catastrophes and disasters (it was, notably, just above ‘board games night’, even though playing Monopoly with Tony was proclaimed a federal offence after one notable occasion involving the President, British Prime Minister). It was routine, boring and frankly a bit insulting, because as strong and capable Doombots were, it was clear that strategy of their maker was ‘throw more robots, and if it doesn’t work – throw more robots’. 

Even Steve gave up and started printing the same report every time, which Tony proclaimed a sad symbol of decline of the True American Way and True American Virtues and True American Writing Skills (and, also, a great rise of True American Computer Skills). Natasha had marked ‘Doom’s days’ on the calendar with a green marker, and Clint drew little hearts around it, because those were usually his days to cook, and wasn’t it nice of Doom to be so considerate (he totally thanked him once, getting ‘you’re welcome, die you dog’ in response). 

So when Tony finally snapped during one of the battles, it came as a surprise to no-one, because the guy was absolutely allergic to routine, order and schedules and probably was getting a pretty nasty rash that he couldn’t scratch because of the armour. 

“OKAY, ENOUGH!” yelled Tony, flying up straight to Doom, who was standing on one of the buildings, directing his army, guarded by several female Doombots, which had so many very, very bad (and amusing) implications that Tony had to backtrack a little in his mind to remember what he wanted to say. “Look, Doom, this has gone too far!” 

“Yes, Victor Von Doom, that is ENOUGH!” roared Thor from somewhere above them. Steve quickly issued a few commands, trying to get the rest of Avengers as close to Iron Man as possible, because as much fun it was to listen to the bantering and snark-fest, it usually ended with Tony thrown, smashed, plucked out of his suit (damn you, Magneto!) or turned into five-year old (damn you, Loki!). 

“Oooh, Mr Stark, I am just getting started. I AM going to conquer the world, and nothing you can do…” started Doom, clearly amused, beginning his usual, rehearsed speech. Or he would begin, if Tony didn’t interrupt. 

“I’m not talking about that, you can rule the world for all I care… No, wait, you can’t, because the economy and health care in Lativeria? Horrible, really horrible, I just can’t understand how and why would you want to rule the world when it is clear that you have no idea what to do with 2 square feet of land in Europe, we need to play Monopoly some day, it will show you the…” Tony trailed off hearing through the earpiece Steve clear his throat meaningfully. “Maybe not. Though, for the record Cap, I said I was sorry! But what I meant is, Doom, why, why on Hal 9000’s circuitry are you doing this to your robots?! It’s inhuman! It’s HORRIFYING”

“Exactly! As the Avengers we cannot… Wait what?” Steve, with a little help from Thor, landed on the roof just behind Doom, and was absolutely prepared to help Tony with his righteous speech. If he did one, but it seemed it was not the case. 

“What?” Echoed Victor Von Doom, a little stirred if not shaken. 

“What ‘what’? This! The Dumbbots, I mean Doombots, but they should be called Dumbbots... and here’s your problem – they’re dumb. Not only they’re dumb, but also they have an ability to be smart. I mean, I AM the best engineer in the world now, and I stripped them and looked through programming, and even I was a bit surprised how much your AIs don’t suck, they suck just a little, they’re, like, 1% as awesome as Jarvis, maybe 0,7%, and that is a lot, and you waste them for this?! AS AN ENGINEER I AM ASHAMED. ASHAMED. I AM SO ASHAMED I KNOW YOU.” Tony finally had to make a pause for breath, what was immediately used by Doom. 

“Says the man who has 2 AIs, one of which is useless little toy robot he made while in school! What USE are your little AIs? What possibly do you gain with just 2 of them?! I have an army that is as bright as I need it to be, that listens to me and heeds my every order! They can act as me, they can talk like me, they can fight for me! They are everything I want them to be!” 

“First of all, buddy, I have several UNIQUE AIs. Second of all, don’t diss Dummy. Dummy is great. Dummy is better than any of your so-called AI! Do you know why, Victor Von Dumb? Because he is fully aware that he is Dummy, he has his own personality, makes his own decisions and is capable of taking initiative! You can’t call an AI something that has no conception of BEING! THEY ARE NOT AIs, THEY ARE YOUR MECHANICAL HIVE MIND SLAVES! THEY POSSESS ENOUGH INTELLIGENCE TO FORM SOME SORT OF FEELINGS AND PREFERENCES, AND THEN YOU HIVE-MIND THEM AGAIN, DUMB THEM DOWN AND MAKE THEM BASIC SILLY ROBOTS AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN!” 

“SO YOU WISH TO LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE A MACHINE IS AS ENTITLED TO A TERM ‘PERSON’ AS HUMANS? THEY ARE MEANT TO BE SLAVES, SO THEY CANNOT RUIN THE HUMANITY! Where is the beginning, where is the end, Stark? You wish to treat them, a bundles of metal, circuitry and commands, as humans? They’re things, made for my use, and for my use only!” 

“Oh yeeeeaaah? Now listen you, you are a thoughtless, cruel monster with no regard for anything besides yourself… don’t think I didn’t notice that your AIs are meant to be your exact copies in looks and that they’re meant to think they’re the real McCoy… I mean real Doom! That is psychotic! Wrong! Stupid! So, so very narcissist, and this is ME telling YOU this, and I own a tower with my name that is making psychologists CRY. But you know what the worst thing is? You’re not only a rather bad human being, you are also terrible, terrible ENGINEER because that programming and coding? I felt nauseous just LOOKING AT IT! JARVIS ALMOST SWITCHED HIMSELF OFF BECAUSE HE COULDN’T BEAR ANALYSING IT!” 

“AND YOU ARE A SPOILED, RICH BRAT WITH DADDY ISSUES!” Was the bright and witty reply of Victor Von Doom himself. 

“AND YOUR MOTHER WAS A BITCH!” 

“A WITCH!” 

“HAHA it’s not nice to call your own mother a hag!” Tony raised his hand to highfive with someone, then remembered that he was still hovering over the building, so after some deliberations he highfived himself. 

“Am I the only person that would like to know what the hell is going on?” asked Clint conversationally , while Tony and Doom started throwing more and more childish insults at each other, while the Avengers looked with consternation, and Doombot army stood by awaiting further orders. 

“No, Hawkeye, I don’t think that anyone wants to know what is going on. We want to stay sane.” said Steve with a sigh. 

“What is the meaning of the letters they say?” asked Thor after a few minutes. 

“They’re comparing school grades, Thor.” explained Hawkeye, and before Thor could investigate further, he shouted at the scientists. “HEY GEEKS! HOW ABOUT P.E.? I HAD AN A, YOU KNOW?” 

That earned him a few well aimed insults from Doom, and a witty retort of ‘fuck you’ from Tony. 

\---------------------------

“And then Victor Von Doom said that he needed to go back because he had a budget meeting in Lativeria, and Iron Man gave him a few economical pointers” finished Steve. Fury felt a headache coming. 

“Rogers, are you… SURE this is all that happened?” he asked after a few seconds. “No mind control? No tricks on Stark’s part? Doom just stopped fighting because he stopped fighting?” 

“Yes sir. Well, they also exchanged phone numbers and they are discussing the ethics of AI and AI creation every other evening. And they exchange horror stories about P.E. teachers.” 

“Do I want to know?” 

“No sir” 

“Just… Get out, Rogers, and tell Hill to bring me chocolate. I picked a wrong week to quit it.”


End file.
